One of the unusual features of an elder mediation can be who controls the elder and who has the real power and influence to make the decision and how this is influenced by the family politics and sibling rivalry.

During the course of the mediation, the mediator will become aware of who is the head of the family and how that influences the situation, and in turn the effect of the family struggles and the family power games. The mediator will be concerned to see that the parties are motivated and driven to facilitate a settlement upon the basis of the best interests of the elder. If this is not the case the mediator will adopt various strategies to redress the situation.

The mediator will look out for and try and recognise situations of abuse. In using the word abuse we are not necessarily wanting to look at either physical or mental abuse but recognising that one of the members of the family may have more sway than others.

The mediator will be aware that within the family there will be communication patterns and secret rules and secret matters which are not talked about in public. Often when a dispute is referred to a mediator there are struggles over power-sharing within the family and who has the final say. The mediator will look to put the parties on and equal footing but will always focus on the fact that the most important person is the vulnerable adult – who is hating the fact that the children are arguing and falling out and will not want to make the situation worse by siding with one child against the other. 

As the mediator can speak to all parties in confidence, they can listen to all parties, work out what the common interests are – and even though brother and sister may be at loggerheads they inevitably all have the common interest of making sure their parent is protected. Then the mediator can drill down to work out the real problems and how the attitudes of the children need to be moved to reach common ground and find a solution in the best interest of their parents.